吹不走的烙印

不管我多努力地学会做人，

不管我多努力地改变自己，
到头来，一切成空。

为什么?
因我中途放弃？
因我的努力没被发现？

或许，多大的努力，都改变不了那个我。

多余的尝试，多余的所谓努力，

抛空一切，

going back to where im belonged to. 

当倦鸟回巢，

就不会再想着多余的无谓。

been thinking a lot and a lot.

where was i and am i right now?

what's so wrong with me until there is no space for me?

what can be fixed and what cant be?

what have i been trying to?

why im still being the one i hate the most? ya, i hate myself.

without knowing, i had cleaned the living room and tied up all my notes when i was trying to figure out my own fault. yet, the ans is still playing chase and hide with me.

 

我哭了....

我崩溃了.
到底怎么了.
全部一团糟.
我真的很想找个人谈天.

我不是小鸟依人,
我真的做不到容忍.
更做不到摇摆向利的人.
像我这种人,往往就是最让人讨厌..
但,我真的耐不住.也不想.

怎么以前的我回来了?
难道,我真的要沉默 ?

It's my day, excuse me!

hi everyone, today's my day, do not mess with me *maybe after today*

i had a 'surprise party'! how was it going on?

12am, a call.. the first actor, 

'love, can u talk to me upstair?'

'no! i wanna facebook. busy!'

'it's ur birthday, talk to me for 15min, plz?'

'dun wan... the line was not good, 1 min putus sekali... talk to u to9'

12.05am, the second actor..

'hey yean, take care of bb, i wan to go toilet, stay in room,

do not go anywhere, firework elsewherw, she will scare'

........'okie!'

the main actor, from morning to night,

'hey girl, mummy pays you for a hair cut, go n trim ur hair nicely and blow it'

the pinpointed failure of all actors!

the first actor, my boy, he never forced me to talk with him, moreover, setting a time. 

it's weird!

*so, his plan of making me stay into the room ---- fail*

the second actor, my sis in law - perfect! not even laughing!

the main actor, mom! a lot of holes.

1. she never asked me to dress myself nicely becoz it's a waste to her.

2. she whispered to my sis-in-law.

3. she talked inside the dressing room.. at 11.45pm. it's impossible her friends, 

aunty aunty level should have slept.

the friends?

lagi weird, they never wish me who previously did!

all these symptoms signalled me a bit! but what surprised me the most, they stayed overnight! haha!

by the way,

thanks for coming to celebrate with me becoz my bf is not here with me!

we played from 12am to 5am! we gambled, chatted and the most important, laughed!!!

my present, chocolate from friends!

from boy friend..... haiz... on the way wo! 

but, there is a backup present, a voice recorded song! 

it's juz so sweet <3 p="p">

thanks for everything u guys gave!

love u guys soooo much!

forget to mention it!

i was slapped within 5hours of being 21 years old. 

not a light one i guessed. becoz, there was a sound 'pak!!!'

this is a special gift from the LOVED one.

i promised to return it back for the LOVED one's birthday. 

juz wash ur face and ready, please!

my choc!!! going to unpack and store inside my stomach!

We =)

my holiday was just simple but awesome!

I went for a trip with Lee's Family, again!
what is different with the previous trip, Lee's father is not along because of working!
calling from Saudi to know what was the fun on the night of trip!
ohh, a poor daddy!

i was pampered by my boy all this while. blessing and feeling so sweet!
the sugar level is added on with the love from Lee's granny, mommy and brother.
it's just so nice! maybe, i am the only lil girl there.
hopefully, another girl will be brought along to enjoy together *bro, do add oil =P*

Lee's mommy bought me many things. food & cute cards.
Lee's bro treated me chocolate cake! oh, very nice! i love chocolate cake!
Lee? nothing at all... so sad...

even i studied nothing during holidays, i believe that the quality time spent worth everything.
love can never be replaced by the academics, career or even success. at least, i believe that.

i love Lee's family. they treated me true-heartedly as part of them, even i m nt their member =)
thanks for everything they gave.
i shall not forget them even if i broke with my boy. *touch wood x 100 times*

okie, finish blogging, prepare my presentation slides.

XOXO.

face tomorrow with a big big smile, i can do it =)

time flies.

Ya, time flies. Many happenings since 28th May.
Internship, trip and new born baby!
seems that i have been busying for the whole months.
with no fruits.

Internship, much demotivated me.
but, nvm. at least, i know where am i belonged to.

New born baby, niece.
Yes! my annoying princess. She is now just 5 days after fullmoon.
No Doubt, she brought me happiness, tiredness and restless!!!!
i have been lacking of sleep since her new coming! hmm... 35 days!
my room was occupied by her parents and i have to, sometimes, sleep with her in the living room or, sometimes, same bedroom! oh gosh, 8am class makes me scratching my head!
it's tiring.
i wasted most of my time for her after coming back from school. feeding. kept her accompanying and swinging.
no own time and study time.
i wonder how long i can escape myself from this kind of life.
not selfish, just.. not enough tolerance in me.
quarrel prevails, compared to mother's love.
mum was making trouble out of nothing.
It's okie for baby to be her priority, i understood, i dont mind.
did she ever think for me for one second? at least, just let me do what i prefer. but..
she kept asking me for something i couldnt tolerate.
managed to escape from this once in a while.
didnt even feel like coming back home after school. no matter how tired.

and, today.
bro was moving into the house opposite.
at least, i have my own space. hope so.
i have been busy taking care the lil princess after school with dead body.
been taking herbal medic for the passed weeks.
it's no good. but, i needed, need and shall need it.

stress, haunting me.
i need a breath.
how can i chase the time back?

不能磨灭的伤痕。

我哭了。
因为，我带着一辈子磨灭不掉的疤痕。
一辈子不能穿尝试。
一辈子都要担心。
一辈子都在意。

So far.. Regretting!

regret for not going UK to be with my boy, going thru his hardest time.
we were both believing that i could hv learnt new things, gain new experience and knowledge from my internship.
so far.. what i hv learnt were all general administration.
it doesnt mean i learn ntg. but.. it's juz totally different from what i had been expecting.
the reason i alwis got, "it's off peak, u came for the wrong timing".
extremely fine. im getting used to it!

what i dislike the most..
being neglected by the others.. but it's better than being 'watched' by the others.
i hardly suited myself in a strange and new environment.
everything i did seems like being criticized by my leader. Am i being too sensitive?
maybe, there are errors in those things i did.
my confidence lvl, drops. drastically.

i m comforting myself, nvm. juz stay in the office and wait for the allowance. even i hv learnt ntg.
despaired. depressed. sooooooooo miserable.
will tomorrow be better? sigh........................................................

Emotionally: I'm done, Mentally: I'm drained. Spiritually: I feel dead, Physically: I smile. 

everything after exam

yeoh!! finals were finally over... one week ago! haha! the excitement, well, nvr ends!

what was going on after my very-bloody-stress finals?

LANGKAWI!

one symbolized photo is enough, i believe *in fact, i m lazy =P*

i would like to summarize the entertainments we had there! juz a brief one becoz i am going to hit the hack!
These are the things we did! swimming, island visiting, beach, eagle watching, monkey, pregnancy island!!
 
drink drank drunk! the climax, i couldn't skip this part!
someone was drunk, acting weird.
someone wasn't, but behaving like drunk!
conclusion, there is always interesting human being!

one of my friend.. laughing like a witch when he was drunk! seems like someone else was inside his body.
the first question i asked the rest, would he kill us? o.O i dun wanna die!!!
this is not the funniest part, he went for a night dash without noticing anyone of us!
opened the door and RUN! gosh!!! it was 3am!
great, we were all awake!
we girls, waiting for the boys to catch him back!
i was wondering whether he knew what he was doing actually!

the rest of the activities, SKIP

i wanted to share the feeling of the trip.
it's fun and i do had a blast!
i met new friend and i know my old friend even better!
it's good sometimes.. but not all times.
when v know someone even deeper.. might find it even harder to mingle.
a trip. a group of ppl. of course, there is sometimes argument. it's okie! as long as v are okie ever after!

after Langkawi, my shopping session!!!
until today, i din even stay at home for more than 6hours besides of sleeping times!
One Utama, Midvalley(day1), KLCC(day2), Midvalley(day3) again!
my mom nearly killed me!
i was busy buying my formal attired as my internship starts tomorrow! the formal jacket costs me pennies!!!
at the end, i managed to get a jacket even it's not really nice. but it's worth!

my new journey will start tml. can u guys bless me?
i hope i will not act like a stupid and not to have mistakesssssssssssss!

Good night, peeps. XOXO

A new leaf, perhaps.

God.. i please u.. i really need ur help.. plz be with me and blessing me....

i did extremely bad in my exam paper today..
the very first time i feel so helpless. seeing the time passing.. doing ntg to help my paper.
seeing the second petal.. the min petal.. moving.. with blank mind.
crying, with no tear. i need a shoulder perhaps.
for me to keep crying.. for me to release my sadness.

i swear.. i swear..
i will be studying harder next time. studying better!
i wan to be the top 10 in Tax paper, P6 Advanced Tax..
it's hard for me to face failure..
especially for me, myself to admit i am loser in my academy.
i swear, i will be performing better and better.
the way of study in Diploma is no longer working.
i will be the new me, trust me.

i swear. i swear.

when things went wrong..

oh gosh, my dashboard is changed! what's wrong!
by the way, this is nt the main concern now.

something really pissed me off.
it makes me feel like - stop indulging in ur 'sympathetic wonderland' -
it's fucking annoying.
stop being so augmentative whenever im talking to u.
terribly tiring rendering laziness. not becoz of i dun care!
u came to pick the fight. okie, i accepted ur challenge. but, do accept the consequences, PLZ.  
at the time u can no longer stand for the consequences, u started blaming.
started ur very own world Merry Go Round.
oh, i m the one being blamed.
sorry, u picked the fight and ur sympathetic look is now rejected. do pass me another proposal.

oh ya, my mom told me to get away myself from a non-moral human being. Yes, i do!
so, girl, dun come and poke me once and once again!
especially when i hv made known every disgusting facts on u.

world turn brighter right now. anger vented ^^

im not a pure angel.
i have my anger, temper and fucking characteristics.
I admitted that. ntg to be hidden - IM HUMAN -

与你一起的。七年又十五天

七年，看似很漫长。

其实，我们在一起的日子，就只是7/2=3.5-0.5=3-1.5=1.5年！

很复杂的方程式！

/2，因为你出国了四五年;

-0.5, 因为我们分开了半年；

-1.5，因为不被父母认同的那段时间，我们很少很少见面。

所以，总的来说，我们只是一起一年半的时间而已啦！

还是热恋期 ;)

我很羡慕别的情侣，

手牵手约会去，

搂着看戏，

撑着一把伞，

一起逛街，选衣服，吃东西。

最主要的，一起过节。

生日，周年纪念，情人节。

统统，没我分！！！

有啦，庆祝过3年的纪念日。

可是，我不满足！

所以，我很讨厌那些情侣有机会出去，

他们竟然浪费掉！！！

他们还真是不知福！

有时候，听着别的女生说：我的男朋友来载我。

真的让我很羡慕！

别说载我去玩，

一年内，我们只有在同一个国家三个月。

但，不同州属

可悲。。。

可能，这就是让我们更珍惜对方的原因。

每一天晚上，我们都会谈天。

半小时或一小时。

初时，更是3小时。

真佩服我自己！

他刚出国时的一个月，我们还是保持着这个习惯。

结果。。。电话费真的是几个数字。

我怕了。减少了讲话次数。增加了网络视频的次数

。

毕竟，我们还是学生。

时差问题，更让我们头痛。

直到数月前，我们都有了职能手机，

真的超方便！

可是，我还是会忘记了他的存在！

常忘记回他的信息！哈哈！

。。。

虽然没有你在身边，

我有时会很闷。

但是，你又何尝不是体验着相同的感受。

所以，我不怪你。

反而，谢谢你七年来的陪伴，忍受着我的任性。

你也要谢谢我，

因为我没有不甘寂寞，

选择别的男生！！！！

这是重点 XP

很多年前的我们

女人。该有的矜持呢？

女生，请你疼爱自己。

女生，请你保护自己。

女生，请你反省自己。

女生，请你活出自己。

请你留住该有的矜持，

因为，我们不是没有男人而活不下去，

更不是男人的

。待办实录。

。闹钟。

。保姆。

更不是男人的跟班。

ntg to post..

New Lappy!!.... 2 weeks ago.. it's new... now... oh shit.. few scars on it!

on average, my lappy is accidentally unplugged for once a day! walau e!

Assignmentssss.. it's not grammar error.. but.. couples SS behind!

it's been long time since last rest.. *seems like really long long time ago =P*

can i dump all of them away and lay deadly on my bed for 24hours without brain functioning but breathing?

what else?

no more i guessed..

oh ya!

a fire drill today!

while i was rushing assignments!

oh, my school's lab had chosen the right time!

what i did was : SHUT MY NEW LAPPY DOWN AND RUN!

it's funny when i think back on it.

would i really repeat the same thing when there was really a blaze?

of course! why not? however, i would skip the part 'shut down' but unplug my com str8 away!

life + lappy are equally important XP

until i have forgotten my purse, ID card and driving license!

dunno what was the reason,

i was really irritable.. maybe, tired?

kesian for those who was being scolded today..

sorry guys.. sorry~~

my very first pic with ths new lappy!!

juz skipped that terrible eye bags and dark circle!

night, world. night, lappy. night, reader =)

Hating someone is alwis harder than forgiving. yet, forgiving isnt that easy!

when u hv left a very bad impression to someone else,

it's very hard to 'purify' it as there is alwis a scar.

what you say, how you act, and what u think,

are alwis assumed to be bad. In fact, it isnt that way.

but, ''purification'' isnt an impossible mission.

it's juz, do u really make an effort to purify?

lying while purifying?

is this an effort?

no-no to me! so sorry!

maybe the others may find it unfair to the one being hated.

bt, they dun really know the reasons behind.

conclusion : no one knows everything and thus, hard to know what is right and what is wrong. unless... it's really sooooo wrong! haha! i'm bullshitting XP

becoz there is a ''right'', the 'wrong' is magnified!!!!

here is a sentence where i found it really true personally.. but.. i have no idea on how to translate it into english..

‘对’是需要‘错’来衬托的，感谢所做错的他们。正如，没有‘丑陋’，何来‘美丽’？

The day is blue but my heart isn't red

i feel depressed as i has failed with many many things recently.

Internship.. nt accepted by PwC

IVAQ.. lose due to nervousness

Dell.. i have missed the chance

PwC camp. i was lazy..

ACCA grant.. lazy as well.. tml is the deadline..

presentation.. did badly..

coursework.. it's the worst..

i lost my enthusiastic in doing all things...

i am tired..

tired of chasing this and that..

many and everything..

devil wears Prada? im angel then!

where are you, my feminine side?

i hv thrown u away from the time i entered into the college.

what is the reason?

boring, expensive and bf is nt around..

bt, i will turn u on today onward.. i hope la!

when it comes to what to wear, what to put on the face..

i start fainting.. it's kinda troublesome!

the most, expensive!

hardly spend much on clothes, handbags and make up.

i would rather keep the money for future use!

but.. what i have learnt is TVM~time value of money.

the purchasing power depreciates and those feminine things will one day cost more than now.

yes!! i am accountant!

yet.. reluctantly spend my penny!

yes!! i am a good saver!

every time i promised myself to buy Clinique,

it would be end up buying NTG!

then, where is the moeny? saved up? no.. i have no idea where they've gone!

when can i turn into a devil??

Steamboat at home with friends!!!

it's always not a good idea to stay awake for the whole night especially when u know that there are something you have to do on the next day, no matter how.

hell-ly yeah as i am now at the middle of the choices, sleeping or restoring my house to the original condition. maybe, a better environment to welcome my parents' home coming?

by the way, i am now regret for promising my mum taking care of the house and put everything back to where they are supposed to be.

I HAVE TOTALLY NO IDEA WHERE ON EARTH I TOOK THEM FROM!

sorry mama.. u are always the best!

how's about the steamboat and gaming session????

steamboat... quite nice but it's a lil messy than what i have expected as the extension wire and plugs were all... MALFUNCTION on the critical point! so, just as easy as u can think of, things go haywire!! Despite, it's still moving on as if ntg had happened!

gaming?.... totally a failure. because it was totally beyond what we have planned for! what a sad case. btw, it's still a success even there are some mentally and listening disorderssss!!! it did create chaos for my neighboursss... i m so sorry for that..!!!

i m actually now moping the floor and waiting for it to dry before i can actually walk on it. perhaps, a lil of laziness.. sitting here in front the com is always the better choice than doing household, agree?

then next problem.. restoring the kitchen to the original condition!!!! it's really hard for me but i have to hold my promises to my dearest mummy... KITCHEN IS ALWAYS HER SMALL LIL WORLD! so, it would be better for me to keep it peacefully..

K! decided.. hit the hack and wake up 2 hours later to KO my things-not-done!!!

XOXO

hectic life ahead..

2 coursework tests, 1 competition and 1 assignment due..

it's no longer ABC and 123 but critical thinking and calculation.

the reasons i chose this course?

i love calculation. hate thinking. hate theory.

tat's y i wanted to be an accountant.

ended up.. no calculation but critical thinking and so called 'professioanl skepticism'...

i m tired of these..

at the final year of dip.. someone told me 'juz bear it juz bear it. few months left'

at the beginning of adv dip.. someone told me 'one more year one more year'...

how my life would be after all these???

can my dear readers find me a rich man?

marry tomolo and enjoy the rest of my life peacefully!!

Stress, can move you forwards or pull you back.

I'm now under stress..

I m stress-perishable good.

every time when stress knocking the door,

my first thought is to marry a boy that i can rely on - no more stress.

yet,

is there really a tree wouldn't collapse? how about thunderstorm?

so-so.

marrying a man, does not mean i would free from stress.

opinion drawn : stress will nvr leave. *stress is exempted from hi-bye case*

Stop daydreaming.

it's time going back to my books.. ='(

Loving you as if juz started

i love you more than i can say.

it's true.

hardly find a word to describe my love to u!

i'm juz simply addicted.

like how drug taker addicted to the drug!

you are my medicine, my morphine, my drug ♥

oh, yucks!!! so disgusting.. i supposed, to the reader XP

yes, love is disgusting!!!!

yet, we are so fallen in love.

you will understand it when you have got your Mr. or Ms. Right.

waiting for the love fruiting,

it takes time.

wait patiently is juz the only way out.

until then, you will know it is worth wasting time!

seems that what i said are contradicting.. haha..

so, conclusion drawn,

love.. cannot be explained reasonably!

it will juz come without signal, leave without hesitation.

Do Treasure!

it's juz amazing when the hearts crossed!!

* our love is heading to 7 years old ;) *

那些年,我们一起追的女孩。

回忆，往往是美好的。

这部戏，让我想到他。

戏里的男主角脾气，性格，长相，神韵。。和他很像。

一样的顽皮，一样的闯祸，一样的身形，一样的表情。

唯一不同是，他肯为女主角改过自新。

或许，我不是他的女主角。

所以...他没有为我而改变的必要。

倘若，他肯为我而改变，现在的我会和他一起吗？不知道。

但是，我已经找到了属于自己的幸福。

希望他也如此。

heart-beating morning!

disastrous?? ya right, to my heart.. it's a no doubt!

it doesnt make my day even though others might think the other way round.

it's not as good as i hv thought.. but.. still.. i hv to accept it, isnt it?

time will pass, days will still be going by.. it's just nothing compared to the really-disastrous life!

Yean, stay strong! nothing can beat you down!

not to bother how the others might think of u!

Friends! stay strong! it's not the end~!

juz holding ur fates and moving on!

strive together for a brighter future!

he can, she can, we definitely can!

ya... it's all about our Adv. Dip results!

气愤!

他们到底凭什么去毁一个女孩的前途?

为了那个第三者??

为了一个认识几个月,而放弃和你一起几年的女朋友?

而且还是心计超重的女生。

看到你们的和她的照片时，我真的很希望你们天天骂架，分手收场！

Procrastination is always the killer in life!

oh plz, do not procrastinate!

plz plz!

Yeah, i m still lingering around!

FB n blog.

not even a lil intention to face my book. the real book.

y? becoz they are not attractive enuf. No 'Attention Grabber' XP

b4 returning to the dull world, take a nap to keep myself refreshed XP

fortune cookies asked me to start tomolo btw.. should i? of course not!!!!