吹不走的烙印

不管我多努力地学会做人，

不管我多努力地改变自己，
到头来，一切成空。

为什么?
因我中途放弃？
因我的努力没被发现？

或许，多大的努力，都改变不了那个我。

多余的尝试，多余的所谓努力，

抛空一切，

going back to where im belonged to. 

当倦鸟回巢，

就不会再想着多余的无谓。

been thinking a lot and a lot.

where was i and am i right now?

what's so wrong with me until there is no space for me?

what can be fixed and what cant be?

what have i been trying to?

why im still being the one i hate the most? ya, i hate myself.

without knowing, i had cleaned the living room and tied up all my notes when i was trying to figure out my own fault. yet, the ans is still playing chase and hide with me.

 

我哭了....

我崩溃了.
到底怎么了.
全部一团糟.
我真的很想找个人谈天.

我不是小鸟依人,
我真的做不到容忍.
更做不到摇摆向利的人.
像我这种人,往往就是最让人讨厌..
但,我真的耐不住.也不想.

怎么以前的我回来了?
难道,我真的要沉默 ?

It's my day, excuse me!

hi everyone, today's my day, do not mess with me *maybe after today*

i had a 'surprise party'! how was it going on?

12am, a call.. the first actor, 

'love, can u talk to me upstair?'

'no! i wanna facebook. busy!'

'it's ur birthday, talk to me for 15min, plz?'

'dun wan... the line was not good, 1 min putus sekali... talk to u to9'

12.05am, the second actor..

'hey yean, take care of bb, i wan to go toilet, stay in room,

do not go anywhere, firework elsewherw, she will scare'

........'okie!'

the main actor, from morning to night,

'hey girl, mummy pays you for a hair cut, go n trim ur hair nicely and blow it'

the pinpointed failure of all actors!

the first actor, my boy, he never forced me to talk with him, moreover, setting a time. 

it's weird!

*so, his plan of making me stay into the room ---- fail*

the second actor, my sis in law - perfect! not even laughing!

the main actor, mom! a lot of holes.

1. she never asked me to dress myself nicely becoz it's a waste to her.

2. she whispered to my sis-in-law.

3. she talked inside the dressing room.. at 11.45pm. it's impossible her friends, 

aunty aunty level should have slept.

the friends?

lagi weird, they never wish me who previously did!

all these symptoms signalled me a bit! but what surprised me the most, they stayed overnight! haha!

by the way,

thanks for coming to celebrate with me becoz my bf is not here with me!

we played from 12am to 5am! we gambled, chatted and the most important, laughed!!!

my present, chocolate from friends!

from boy friend..... haiz... on the way wo! 

but, there is a backup present, a voice recorded song! 

it's juz so sweet <3 p="p">

thanks for everything u guys gave!

love u guys soooo much!

forget to mention it!

i was slapped within 5hours of being 21 years old. 

not a light one i guessed. becoz, there was a sound 'pak!!!'

this is a special gift from the LOVED one.

i promised to return it back for the LOVED one's birthday. 

juz wash ur face and ready, please!

my choc!!! going to unpack and store inside my stomach!

We =)

my holiday was just simple but awesome!

I went for a trip with Lee's Family, again!
what is different with the previous trip, Lee's father is not along because of working!
calling from Saudi to know what was the fun on the night of trip!
ohh, a poor daddy!

i was pampered by my boy all this while. blessing and feeling so sweet!
the sugar level is added on with the love from Lee's granny, mommy and brother.
it's just so nice! maybe, i am the only lil girl there.
hopefully, another girl will be brought along to enjoy together *bro, do add oil =P*

Lee's mommy bought me many things. food & cute cards.
Lee's bro treated me chocolate cake! oh, very nice! i love chocolate cake!
Lee? nothing at all... so sad...

even i studied nothing during holidays, i believe that the quality time spent worth everything.
love can never be replaced by the academics, career or even success. at least, i believe that.

i love Lee's family. they treated me true-heartedly as part of them, even i m nt their member =)
thanks for everything they gave.
i shall not forget them even if i broke with my boy. *touch wood x 100 times*

okie, finish blogging, prepare my presentation slides.

XOXO.

face tomorrow with a big big smile, i can do it =)

time flies.

Ya, time flies. Many happenings since 28th May.
Internship, trip and new born baby!
seems that i have been busying for the whole months.
with no fruits.

Internship, much demotivated me.
but, nvm. at least, i know where am i belonged to.

New born baby, niece.
Yes! my annoying princess. She is now just 5 days after fullmoon.
No Doubt, she brought me happiness, tiredness and restless!!!!
i have been lacking of sleep since her new coming! hmm... 35 days!
my room was occupied by her parents and i have to, sometimes, sleep with her in the living room or, sometimes, same bedroom! oh gosh, 8am class makes me scratching my head!
it's tiring.
i wasted most of my time for her after coming back from school. feeding. kept her accompanying and swinging.
no own time and study time.
i wonder how long i can escape myself from this kind of life.
not selfish, just.. not enough tolerance in me.
quarrel prevails, compared to mother's love.
mum was making trouble out of nothing.
It's okie for baby to be her priority, i understood, i dont mind.
did she ever think for me for one second? at least, just let me do what i prefer. but..
she kept asking me for something i couldnt tolerate.
managed to escape from this once in a while.
didnt even feel like coming back home after school. no matter how tired.

and, today.
bro was moving into the house opposite.
at least, i have my own space. hope so.
i have been busy taking care the lil princess after school with dead body.
been taking herbal medic for the passed weeks.
it's no good. but, i needed, need and shall need it.

stress, haunting me.
i need a breath.
how can i chase the time back?

不能磨灭的伤痕。

我哭了。
因为，我带着一辈子磨灭不掉的疤痕。
一辈子不能穿尝试。
一辈子都要担心。
一辈子都在意。

So far.. Regretting!

regret for not going UK to be with my boy, going thru his hardest time.
we were both believing that i could hv learnt new things, gain new experience and knowledge from my internship.
so far.. what i hv learnt were all general administration.
it doesnt mean i learn ntg. but.. it's juz totally different from what i had been expecting.
the reason i alwis got, "it's off peak, u came for the wrong timing".
extremely fine. im getting used to it!

what i dislike the most..
being neglected by the others.. but it's better than being 'watched' by the others.
i hardly suited myself in a strange and new environment.
everything i did seems like being criticized by my leader. Am i being too sensitive?
maybe, there are errors in those things i did.
my confidence lvl, drops. drastically.

i m comforting myself, nvm. juz stay in the office and wait for the allowance. even i hv learnt ntg.
despaired. depressed. sooooooooo miserable.
will tomorrow be better? sigh........................................................

Emotionally: I'm done, Mentally: I'm drained. Spiritually: I feel dead, Physically: I smile.